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Monday, March 25, 2013

Might Be I'm Jelous?

I have been here quite long, doesn't means I never tried any way to recover my heart
But, sometime maybe its better to be alone because I've bad experience about dating in Singapore






I've been jealous with my friend  but I should and never show it no matter what happen.  Weh Hao, I've been know him not to long but long enough make him treat me dinner and show his girlfriend, yeah you right there to much cute guys in Singapore.  But I know my place I'm just lowlife creature.

Yeah, you might figure it out, I don't have any affection to girl even though I have, the feeling it's not like the feeling man to woman supposed to be.  Because that fact I'm scared and hate myself more than it supposed to be.

Sometime I blame myself for being like this I regret being born in this world there is nothing that I used for.  I lost my reason to life, there no one or thing that i can blame.  Or basically that person is out of my reach, my father died 2 years ago leave me with lost of track.  I supposed revenge him for what he have done, but he's gone before i can reach my hand to him.......

My life so bitch!

Now, I know I feel some affection to my guys friends but I should not dare show it.  Every time I saw jeremy that guy always make me smile and somehow giggling on him.  But then again I don't want our friendship gone even though I'm not sure did he think me as friend or not.  I just like his smile sometime his face like lost of track and he like thinking what the answer, his dumb face make me want to hug him.

But jeremy always jeremy my Friend and it would never changed, I will witness his happiness even though it would kill my heart.

Wen hao too, I need start learn to refuse that person request, he already show me his beautiful girl friend same like jeremy I will pray for their happiness.

I hate myself and this is how I must atone for my father sins,  let the world tear my heart and make me heartless.  I don't mind if that the truth of my existence I will accept it.  I lied if I said I don't want love, but i shouldn't feel though this heart can't be broken not again not in many time.

I already failed forth time, and this last one should survive in order to achieve my goal I need it, because in the end of my journey this heart must be stab by myself, to end all this suffering nightmare this all will not stop until I died but I can't died just not now.


I must repay my sins and my father sins


I must make changed

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