Its Been Long Time

Hi, been long time I not touch this place.  I kinda of miss this place though, due to much thing that I must to do there must a most priority I must made good choice right?
I done with my all assignment 1, now I have been worked with assignment 2, its more difficult than i though it would be so I must put more effort.

There have many thing that has been happen.  I feel sad too though because I think at least there someone who actually exist to love me, in the end there was nobody.
They just know how to hurt me and give false promise, its hurts really bad.

maybe I should just stop hopping that i will get someone.



So,
I will stand from now on live my life it might be hard, but I will make sure I somehow happy
I will happy and will reach  my goal even without somebody beside me.

I Cried, Again.

This is almost mid-term, and I think I have been struggle.  I scare that maybe I can't keep up with the all the condition, I must be strong though. 

I have Help from Bryan to make a game, I feel really thank to him.  Bryan is my senior he help me with many thing though, to think that he even help with some of assignment make me feel bad to myself.

I have been tired with This dating stuff all they can is make me feel uncomfortable make me more hard to study.

Now all I want is can be life nice, so I can pass and make my family proud.

Not a Chance

Yesterday dam crazy! I found new man who hit on me, most of them pedophile anyways, I just try to being nice but they get me wrong.

I have been read the blog I followed, the name is Crason.  Well, if I'm not false he is same like me, he is like with guys, trough his blog I realized some vital issue.  If blog lost its master, like the master is died or maybe bored with blog, that is means the blog will stop right?  That realize me nothing is really eternal in this world in the end even the blog will dead.  Crason blog not telling story about dead and life, it just I realized by him.

I hope Crason get happy ending story, if you ask why I following him.  I dunno, my move always impulsive, I myself can't predict why I doing that.  But, I think its not sin to pray right, I think Crason is good person, so every time stop at his blog I always pray for him praying his happiness.

Anyways, there some old man who like me so much, I just wondering should I gave him chance? hm let just see, I never intend to give up to being alone, let just see how good he can make me feel for him.

if somebody would like to pray for me, I would like to pray for my happiness

for my future and for my family happiness

Might be This My Brand New Day?

This morning I start my day pretty bad, my mom going berserk for nothing.  The reason just because my apatite, can you blame me if I have Little apatite?  She keep scream saying that what truly I want.  When i the fact I even do not know what I want, so what I must to do.

Today I start using QQ, Jeffrey said that QQ have English version then I download it
with hope I will know my Chinese friend better, all I can do is tried my best.  Today actually I got many help from my friend and more close with Tienwai.

Bryan help me with assignment it was great though despite this morning can be consider as bad start, I start consider my self to having relationship but I'm not sure maybe not.  Maybe it will be too soon if I start having Boyfriend now,  after all I dunno how to react if i have one.

I have new friend well potential friend it might be good I think consider I lack of gay friend, to having one is not bad idea I hope at least we can hold hand each other it might be fun and good idea.

After I meet some of them I could say  its not all have good experience.  There a time where I having date with some guys, they just walking around and we not doing anything, he tried to ensure me he like me but he never tried hard, so what the point?  And there some of guys who very gentle and kind but treat me as kids not as lover and act like father, I'm here looking for love not father wanna be.  The worst part they ask me to changed that not how you love someone you must accept me or its will be nonsense to give a chance to you.


The worst one the name is "cowboy" he force me to meet him, but in the end just want to sleep with me what a stupid idiot jerk!  I already told him I'm not doing fun at all!

Might Be I'm Jelous?

I have been here quite long, doesn't means I never tried any way to recover my heart
But, sometime maybe its better to be alone because I've bad experience about dating in Singapore

I've been jealous with my friend  but I should and never show it no matter what happen.  Weh Hao, I've been know him not to long but long enough make him treat me dinner and show his girlfriend, yeah you right there to much cute guys in Singapore.  But I know my place I'm just lowlife creature.

Yeah, you might figure it out, I don't have any affection to girl even though I have, the feeling it's not like the feeling man to woman supposed to be.  Because that fact I'm scared and hate myself more than it supposed to be.

Sometime I blame myself for being like this I regret being born in this world there is nothing that I used for.  I lost my reason to life, there no one or thing that i can blame.  Or basically that person is out of my reach, my father died 2 years ago leave me with lost of track.  I supposed revenge him for what he have done, but he's gone before i can reach my hand to him.......

My life so bitch!

Now, I know I feel some affection to my guys friends but I should not dare show it.  Every time I saw jeremy that guy always make me smile and somehow giggling on him.  But then again I don't want our friendship gone even though I'm not sure did he think me as friend or not.  I just like his smile sometime his face like lost of track and he like thinking what the answer, his dumb face make me want to hug him.

But jeremy always jeremy my Friend and it would never changed, I will witness his happiness even though it would kill my heart.

Wen hao too, I need start learn to refuse that person request, he already show me his beautiful girl friend same like jeremy I will pray for their happiness.

I hate myself and this is how I must atone for my father sins,  let the world tear my heart and make me heartless.  I don't mind if that the truth of my existence I will accept it.  I lied if I said I don't want love, but i shouldn't feel though this heart can't be broken not again not in many time.

I already failed forth time, and this last one should survive in order to achieve my goal I need it, because in the end of my journey this heart must be stab by myself, to end all this suffering nightmare this all will not stop until I died but I can't died just not now.


I must repay my sins and my father sins


I must make changed

Am I a Darkness?

My school is been busier than before, I have been busy with assignment.  And there to much thing I don't get it and I need learn from zero.

I never good in anything which make me more hate myself.  People will not love me if I'm not perfect, that is why I will do anything to make people around me happy.  But I still thank all my teacher they all so kind and still teach me greatly I can't thank enough.

lately I find many hollow thing in myself, I tried figuring out what is that.  I admit that somehow I'm tired but I don't want go give up, I don't want let myself open to any kind of kindness.  Because if I doing it, it would be hard to paying back.

Like the other days I've been making many mistake, start from hop on to wrong bus, and lost my own house key.  Lately my life more bitch than it's supposed to be maybe it's a sign though.  maybe it's sign I need train more harder, in some of aspect I realized how hard I tried to be friendly and smile all the time.  While sometime it can be useless because, sometime I cried to realized how hard I tried to smile to pretend nothing happen.  But I need to nobody care if I'm hurt then I must strong. 

In order to help my family I mist strong, I must make them proud.  I have many killer assignment and my mid term test so near I'm not sure I might be able overcome it.  But all I can do is give my best.  There no point to turn back and it is not me if I'm turn back, Because Jausha Bakkas will give his best to assist anybody and anything.

And I've been sick and weak, I dunno why.  I tried my best to keep strong I don't want to fell, but in the end I fell. I'm failed myself I supposed can overcome this but

maybe its right

I'm to tired

dam tired

The Day of Darkness

So, its happen 22 February 2013, that the date when exactly my true war begin.

I have been lived at Singapore around up to 4 months now.  But, I still can't get used to Singapore, there many thing that I don't dare to do which make me more far from understand and getting used to life at this place. 

I spend 4 months before going to university in ELPP, well yeah my English is miserable no offense though.  I tried my best that time, even though my body scream and tired like hell i keep not letting my self taking any rest, I just give my best and my best always sacrifice my self.  I'm or me is the only thing that I own in this world I don't care if this body must tear apart all i care is achieve my goal.

Many people get offended if I said this, I don't get it.  I just tried to tell the truth, I know that if I'm sick there certain of people will get the effect but then again what i must to do? this the only way I got to pass everything is to sacrifice and the answer just one.......it's me.

the truth is I pass with C I dunno, I must happy or sad?  All I feel just relieved.  I relieved that I'm pass in the end, many people said I obsessed with high mark, but the truth is i just want to pass not more than that.

Trough ELPP I have learn many thing, I got new friend and lost too.  However, maybe the truth is...

I never have one, maybe no it's true that I born to be lowlife creature
and lowlife creature are useless and needless
and I'm not useful
I born for what?

To be honest this is the second time I join the JCU new student orientation, the first one is when I supposed to attend to the ELPP orientation, but I'm so foolish and stupid I attend to another orientation and that was a new student orientation.

I'm not embarrassing knowing this is really my first time going so far from my place, the thing that keep me regretting myself is I make people surround me disappointed by my act.  I hate myself in many of reason


The whole orientation is good to be honest, it lot better than last year when I "sneak" to new student.  This orientation we gathering at some private room of club called Azure or Azury I'm not really understand and remember that shit though, since you know I'm not belong to that kind of place.  It would be my first and last to visit that kind of place, but that was fun i can meet many new friends in the exchange of lost some friends.  Many of my friends going to business and I'm goes to IT so basically the building will be separated.  I might miss them so much, but don't be afraid nobody will miss me.

The game of orientation is so "lame" to be honest I even not enjoying it every single bit.  But, one thing I used to do, just stand up "Chaos" used to said if you show your hate to something it would be my weakness.  So, I give my best to make the game fun even I'm not enjoying it.

In the end of the day, I spend my time to get know better all my friend and it seem they show some same affection to me which make me happy.  All I can do is hoping that forever they will be my friend, and I will give my best to be their good friend.  like I said I'm lowlife creature I can't be Best friend but all i can do tried to be Good friend.